i've been tagged

so yet again i find myself not having blogged in forever long, but kiki has tagged me (which up until now i had no idea what that meant) and so i use this as an excuse to start again.

1. one book that changed my life... i really can't pick between two: Desiring God by John Piper and Wild at Heart by Eldridge. Desiring God confirmed a new perspective on my Christian walk that God had already been dealing with me about and it was while reading Wild at Heart that i have experienced God's presence in a more real way than ever before.

2. one book that i have read more than once... i rarely read books more than once. i really hate that. honestly, i think the only one is Desiring God and thats only because we did a book study on it.

3. one book that i would want on a desert island... i guess that worst case scenario handbook thing, because that sounds like a worst case scenario to me and one would think it would have some helpful hints!

4. one book that made me laugh...Parliament of Whores by P.J. O'Rourke...its a satire on the entire political system attacking both republicans and democrats...its a load of fun.

5. one book that made me cry... Growth into Manhood by Alan Medinger

6. one book i wish i had written...once again, Desiring God...only because i had come up with the basic thesis of this book while daydreaming in a philosophy class of mine before i even knew about it! other than that, Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis because he is brilliant and can communicate so much better than I!

7. One book i wish had never been written...im going to go out on a limb here and probably sound like a heretic but here goes nothing: the book of Revelations in the Bible. Its vague, abstract, and has caused many people to become preoccupied with something that ultimately does not deserve the time or effort they are putting into it and it is always the topic of heated debates. one of these days i will study it and God will probably change my heart, but thats where im at right now.

8. one book that i am currently reading...im "currently" reading alot: The Signature of Jesus by Brennan Manning, The Confessions by St. Augustine and Speaking my Mind by Tony Campolo

9. one book i have been meaning to read... A New Kind of Christian by Brian McClaren...or anything by this mcclaren dude really. i want to find out what all the fuss is about.

so thats my story....i have many, many books i intend to read...there is just never enough time (or self discipline on my part!)

turmoil

i haven't blogged in a while...mainly because i have been so busy. i have been experiencing a lot of inner turmoil though lately and i dont really know what its outlet is. i sense this overwhelming pressure to be more in all aspects of my life and yet the demands of all aspects of my life are increasing. i'm a "twentysomething" and it seems like the pressure to move into true adulthood and all that that entails comes with the turf. my stepdad has been without a job for months now, so my family is hurting real bad for money. thus, i have gotten a second job working at walmart overnight for the summer...so between that and starbucks i will be getting around 65 hrs a week. not to mention i am being prepared to move up in starbucks at some point in the next couple of months giving me even more responsibilities. i will soon be taking over 100% of my finances from my parents and will desperately need to learn how to effectively manage that and save up for a wedding that is pretty much up to us to pay for entirely. i had an accident a few weeks back...basically i fell asleep at the wheel because i was exhausted. that really shook me up. i really felt like God was telling me i need to slow down, and so i took steps to do that for next school year, but for me to slow down right now is impossible. in fact, i have to speed up. and so far, the most important people in my life have gotten the shaft. i dont spend the time with God that He deserves and that i need and i dont spend the time with sami that she deserves and that i need. there are several personal issues that i am still desperately trying to work on, but i seem to merely spin my wheels in the mud. one of the things that i have really been thinking about alot lately is that i have got to be intentional about pursuing true manhood...i mean, i am getting married in a year or so. but yet, i am still not sure what true manhood, in God's perspective, really looks like. i feel so desperate for an older man of God to pour into me and love on me, but yet they are all so busy and have families and lives of their own. i also perpetually feel like i am being a burden on people so i hesitate to ask anyone to do much that would inconvenience them. i am also still struggling with the year that i had doing collegiate ministry. its exciting to hear about the stories of what God is doing on other campuses, but it really frustrates me when i hear someone say that they are dissapointed because they didnt see God move or work as much as they would have liked, yet they had several people comee to Christ that year. i would give anything to see one student that i have invested in come to Christ...just one. i feel like i am abandoning rmu, and in a sense i am, but i saw nothing happen there....literally nothing. part of that is that i really desire to see God move, but part of it is that i feel like i need to be validated...i need to know that i am actually making a difference and influencing people for the cause of Christ. im just so tired of feeling like i am coming up short in every aspect of my life. i really had a refreshing time with God this weekend...finally just getting a couple of days without responsibility to chill and spend a little time in the word and meditating on some praise and worship music. i know i have got to step up my walk with Christ...it just seems like that gets harder the older i get.
Father, i just want to praise you. I get so caught up with me and don't give you the worship and adoration you deserve. i miss you. i need you more than words can express. Thank you for being patient with me. Please help me to realize who You are calling me out to be. Give me the self-discipline i need when i simply cant muster it up on my own. Give my mind rest and peace. Open doors for me to share my faith and minister to people. Help me to be the man of God you have created me to be, the fiance to sami that she deserves, the starbucks barista that works as unto you, the son that my parents need right now, and everything else i am being called to be right now. Somehow, someway, be glorified in me during these times. Amen.

Jesus, the encourager

This Sunday was a very uplifting day for me. I had been really down prior to that...just a bunch of frustration building up and things that i did not have a peace about. Sometimes i get in these ruts where i feel like i am being spiritually stagnant because im aware of things that i need to work on, but i seem to always lack the strength or discipline to do it. my focus gets diverted due to the myriad of things demanding my time and attention every day. anyway, in sunday school we've been studying Genesis and this week was on chapter 20. God really spoke to me during that time and reminded me that just as God kept Abimelech from sinning, it is nothing we do out of our own strength that will stop the cycles of sin in our lives, or even the generational sin in our lives. It is God working in us empowering us to live a life that is glorifying to Him. There is no reason besides God and His presence in my life that i am not totally lost given the family history behind me. Praise God! Then Sunday afternoon, i was able to spend some time with a good friend who shares some similar struggles as i and God definitely orchestrated that to be an encouragement to both of us. He is a few years ahead of me in life and so able to shed light on situations i am in. I just want to praise God right now for His encouragement and for the fact that He never lets us go. He knows when we are down and out and knows when we need a taste of the divine to bring us back to Him. Praise Him! Praise Him! Praise Him!

the grand canyon

i was just thinking about the grand canyon tonight. i spent an entire summer there working and doing missions in 2004 and it was amazing. my friends and i took a few hiking trips, one of which took us all the way down to the bottom and back up...a round trip of about 19 miles i believe. let me just express to you that my body has never hurt so bad in my entire life...the next day i did not move...i could not move! my poor calves! anyway, back to my point...the grand canyon is so majestic and it just totally takes my breath away. the way the sunlight would bounce off the jagged edges at certain points of the day and glimmer off the river at the very bottom... looking up from the river and seeing the cliffs all around you rising higher and higher... but then just sitting quietly and thinking that this is merely a thumbprint of the beauty and majesty of God. He created that for us to enjoy, but even moreso that we may see Him through it and praise Him. I find it so much easier to really release myself totally into the presence of God when i am in nature that testifies of His greatness. i think of the canyon so often its unbelievable. i just cant get it out of my mind. one day i hope to return and hike it again.

retreat

This past weekend was our CrossSeekers MidWinter Retreat. It began with a significant amount of discouragement as one of our CalU students, Bobby, who is not a Christian, backed out at the last minute, despite Corley and I emailing everyone on the face of the planet to have them pray for him. It just seemed like such a perfect opportunity for him to encounter God. But, when we finally realized he wasn't coming, i thought about it: we would have never prayed that hard for Bobby had we never thought he was coming and we cannot stop praying that hard for Bobby now. We must continue fighting for him.
For me personally, it was a great time to just be with God. Overall, i really enjoyed just being silent before God, focusing on Him alone without any distractions, and praising Him in a context where i can do so without any inhibitions unlike my regular Sunday morning experiences. God definitely spoke to me about several things. One is that there is a lot of "noise" in my life, but there is nothing i can do about any of it. It is all good and necessary. But, what i do need to learn to do is be intentional about scheduling time to filter the noise and be silent before God. A second thing i got out of it, which is something God had already begun to speak to me about, is that i have been trying to hold back certain parts of my life from God and i simply cannot expect to grow in Him if i continue to do this. Part of this means really praying for discipline. That virtue is nowhere to be found in my character or personhood at all and it is very frustrating. I am in such desperate need for God's provision in that respect. The third thing that God spoke to me about this weekend, which really had nothing to do with anything that was said in corporate worship, was that i really struggle with loving myself. That sounds so cheezy, and i am not really even sure what it means or what it looks like to love oneself, but i know that i dont. I hate so much about me and that makes it so much harder to love others when i cant love myself despite my own flaws.
I really miss just being with my heavenly Dad. Its so hard when life gets busy, but man there are no words to describe those times when im just driving at night in silence praying and listening to Him. Thank You Dad, for being real to me. Thank You for wanting me, for loving me despite my imperfections, thank you for speaking to me.

engaged!

This past weekend, i made one of the best decisions in my entire life. I asked the girl who means the world to me to spend the rest of her life by my side. High upon the mountain he asked her for her hand. A page is turned in this life, he's making her his wife. The God of Second Chances has picked us up and let us dance. As most of you well know, im not much good at dancing, but man am i willing to learn! But seriously, its been so awesome to see God in our relationship from the very beginning. His hand has been evident the entire way...even when i diverted my eyes for a season. Sami is such an amazing blessing in my life. It reminds me of Christmas as a child when you ask for something you think is really great and exciting and you dont get it, but instead you get something 10X better that you would have never even dreamed to ask for. Thats what my fiancee is to me! More than i could have dreamed of. I know that the future will bring its own problems and conflicts to deal with, but being in the center of God's will is the best place to weather those issues. As with any guy, there is that plaguing fear of committment, but you cant let fear control your life. In fact, anytime we move forward in God's plan for our life, there is some fear there. But, we trust God and obey anyway. I fear because i have seen my parents fail at marriage and i desperately dont want to repeat that in my life. I want my children to have better. And they will. On Feb 11, 2006 that decision was made and it was final. There is no other way i would rather spend my entire life than by Sami's side. Together, God will guide us through life's trials along a journey that will be nothing short of spectacular. Father, thank You. You are too good to me.

reflections on the church

so i spent some time talking with a very wise man recently and something he said really stood out to me. i get frustrated when people within the church start talking about the sins that are destroying america (assuming that they know which ones they are as well as taking on a very prideful attitude because they dont do those particular things.) this ends up producing a very combative mentality, not usually one of compassion and love. one particular sunday, a member of my church stood up and claimed that the three sins destroying america today are abortion, homosexuality, and euthenasia. first, why those three? what makes them so special? second, what good does it do for us to impose our ethical standards on people who dont believe in the very source of those ethics? That is not how Christ worked in the gospels. There is a third point on this that my friend helped me to realize as well. He said, to which i would agree, that the sins that are destroying America today are within the church. This, therefore, hinders us from being the light to the nation that we are called to be in the first place. the church needs to stop pointing the finger away from themselves and turn it around. The three particular sins my friend mentioned were materialism, sexual sins, and pride. i really dont like agreeing with people on everything just for the sake of agreeing with them, so i thought about this and tried to find other ones that i thought were more appropriate, but i think he is dead on. i mean, i know i struggle with all three of those and i am just one member of hundreds of thousands. i feel very strongly we need to stop fighting these culture wars that so many fundamentalist/evangelical Christians in America are fighting these days. I think that it is useless, first of all, but also that it sends the wrong message--that we are more concerned about promoting some moralistic system on people than we are about their salvation and their well being. We are to be known by our love, not by our ethics.